Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
