goodnight i made you a song goodbye
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
