Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
