And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
