and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
