This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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