Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
