Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
