it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
