my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
