I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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