Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
