What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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