do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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