Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize