Don't make out with my wife yet
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
