It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
