last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
