My hand turned me down
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
