Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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