My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
