I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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