You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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