its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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