i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
