I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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