Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
