I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
