finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
