he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I will pee on everything he values.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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