You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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