your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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