Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
