I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I want a musical about memes.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
