hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize