I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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