if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
