my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
