thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
