seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You need Xanax blowdarts
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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