I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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