There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
