textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
