sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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