i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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