just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
