I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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