I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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