i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The dick lei will go down in squad history
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
