I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
