he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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