i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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