So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
