You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
