I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
