I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The adults are the big ones right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
