i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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