He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Randomize
