Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
