I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
